If you’re facing resistance or uncertainty about staying in a marriage for the sake of your children, remember this: Spouses can be replaced, but your children's hearts cannot.
In today's society, it's surprising that staying married "for the children" is frowned upon. How did we come to view self-sacrifice in such a negative light, or label those who prioritize their children as sell-outs? Dr. Anita Gadhia-Smith, a respected author and psychotherapist, believes we need to rethink our perspective. She points out that in our disposable culture, people are quick to divorce at the first sign of discomfort or challenges in relationships because they seek easy solutions.
Instead of staying for the children, many choose to leave for reasons like financial gain, freedom from responsibilities, or the illusion of a better life elsewhere. But are these reasons truly more important than safeguarding our children's emotional well-being and preventing long-lasting damage?
Soul Custody: Protecting Children from Divorce
During the virtual launch event for my book, Soul Custody: Sparing Children from Divorce, Dr. Gadhia-Smith shared her insightful perspective, which resonated with me. The book serves as a wake-up call, prompted by a troubling realization. We don't prioritize our children's needs when married, yet we prioritize other factors when deciding to leave a marriage. How can these factors outweigh the importance of shielding our children from heartbreak and negative consequences?
Research indicates that children of divorce often struggle in their own relationships due to lower tolerance and resilience. Growing up in a divorced household makes them more inclined to opt for divorce themselves when faced with challenges in their marriages. I can relate to this pattern as someone who inherited a legacy of divorce from my parents and perpetuated it through my own divorce. Despite putting in tremendous effort through therapy and recovery programs, I eventually gave up on my marriage prematurely.
Dr. Gadhia-Smith offered a glimmer of understanding when she suggested that my focus on resolving marital issues may have overshadowed concerns about my children's well-being until after the divorce. She was right.
It's ironic that parents often prioritize their children's welfare only after divorcing, emphasizing "the best interests of the children" during custody negotiations. If couples could prioritize their children's well-being from the start, fewer might even consider divorce.
Prioritizing Children's Well-being
Reflect on whether you are genuinely prioritizing your children's best interests. Consider these four questions to assess if your children are at the forefront of your parenting decisions:
- Am I taking my children's feelings about separation into account?
- Have I considered how divorce might impact them at different stages of their lives?
- Have I exhausted all available resources to seek help for my marriage?
- Am I blaming my spouse for not wanting to work on our relationship as an excuse to leave?
When the goal is to prioritize children's well-being, divorce shouldn't be an option. Instead, the focus shifts to finding ways to make the marriage work rather than debating whether it should continue.
Judith Wallerstein's extensive study on the lifelong effects of divorce on children suggests that an unhappy marriage may be preferable to a divorced one for children. Her research underscores the moral dilemma parents face when considering divorce. If parents can endure their unhappiness, they should stay together for the sake of their kids.
Wallerstein and her colleagues, in their work on The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, highlight the cumulative and enduring impact of divorce on children. The negative consequences of divorce intensify over time, reaching a peak in adulthood. It's during adulthood that children of divorce experience the most significant challenges.
Imagine if parents shifted their focus from the marriage to parenting quality and commitment, prioritizing a stable and nurturing environment for their children above personal desires. As Wallerstein and her team discovered, "Children are more adversely affected by divorce than by marital conflicts." I've witnessed this firsthand in my own family and countless others. I've also seen the positive outcomes when parents prioritize their children by preserving their marriage and working through challenges together.
About the Author
Pamela Henry has a background in supervised visitation for non-custodial parents, has written columns on family issues, and has taught classes on shared custody parenting. She holds a degree in telecommunications from San Diego State and a certificate in Early Childhood Education from UC Riverside.
She is the founder of Soul Custody Press, a publishing company focused on memoirs with a message. Pamela resides in Redlands, California, with her three daughters.
