Father’s Day is that special day of the year when we not only celebrate our dads for their love and support but also for their bad dad jokes and barbecue mastery.
So in today’s post I’d like to give you a hand with that and share 100 of the wittiest and most relatable funny Fathers’s Day quotes.
Share one or a few of them with your dad or a father figure via a card. In a text message or on social media like Instagram.
Or simply tell him a couple of them today to make him laugh about fatherhood and the many fierce challenges he has no doubt met so far.
Funny Father’s Day Quotes with Relatable Laughs
“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
– Mark Twain
“Having a 2-year-old is like having a blender without a lid.”
– Jerry Seinfeld
“Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“I rescind my early statement, ‘I could never fall in love with a girl who regularly poops her pants.’ I hadn’t met my daughter yet.”
– Dax Shepard
“I would rather drink a piping hot bowl of liquid rabies than get on a plane with my two children. At two years old they just have to rip all their clothes off and introduce themselves to everyone on the plane. It’s just like, ‘Please can we land in a farmer’s field?'”
– Ryan Reynolds
“You know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.”
– Jerry Seinfeld
“Having children is like living in a frat house. Nobody sleeps, everything’s broken and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
– Ray Romano
“Men should always change diapers. It’s a very rewarding experience. It’s mentally cleansing. It’s like washing dishes, but imagine if the dishes were your kids, so you really love the dishes.”
– Chris Martin
“Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.”
– Conan O’Brien
“Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.”
– Greg Kinnear
“Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
– Martin Mull
“Booking plane tickets for a family trip is a fun little test to see if I still remember all my kids’ birthdays and genders.”
– Ken Jennings
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
– Andy Richter
“You don’t need drugs when you have a [baby]. You’re awake, you’re paranoid, you smell bad… it’s the same thing.”
– Robin Williams
“The worst part about being a parent is when one of your kids farts and you have to pretend it wasn’t cool.”
– Rob Delaney
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.”
– Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Having one child makes you a parent. Having two kids makes you a referee.”
– David Frost
“When you first get them… you’re all excited, and you’re ready to do all these things. Then you realize it’s like getting a new cell phone where all the features don’t work yet. It’s like a phone [that] won’t take pictures, and you’re like ‘Why won’t my phone take pictures?!’ And it won’t make calls, and it doesn’t do a lot. But it looks really cute!”
– Ashton Kutcher
“When you got more than one kid, you just wake up angry.”
– Kevin Hart
The Best Funny Father’s Day Quotes on Fatherhood
“The first one, I almost became a doula. I was reading every book. I was ready. This one I haven’t done anything. I’m like, ‘Well, we didn’t break the first one.'”
– Ashton Kutcher
“You have to be adaptable because they consistently keep changing. They’ll do something that blows your mind and then they’ll spit all their food on the carpet.”
– Neil Patrick Harris
“The only way I can describe fatherhood – it sounds stupid, but – at the end of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, you know how his heart grows like five times? Everything is full; It’s just full all the time.”
– Matt Damon
“The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get.”
– Tim Russert
“Remember: What Dad really wants is a nap. Really.”
– Dave Barry
“A father carries pictures where his money used to be.”
– Steve Martin
“I’ve been to war. I’ve raised twins. If I had a choice, I’d rather go to war.”
– George W. Bush
“Never underestimate kids’ tenacity. Raising a child is like wrestling a small but relentless opponent.”
– Stephen Colbert
“Having a kid is like falling in love for the first time when you’re 12, but every day.”
– Mike Myers
“The nature of impending fatherhood is that you are doing something that you’re unqualified to do, and then you become qualified while doing it.”
– John Green
“I learn things from my kids constantly. Most of their knowledge comes from Snapple caps.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.”
– Jon Stewart
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven visiting daddy’s freedom.”
– Ryan Reynolds
“I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.”
– Kevin Hart
“For fatherhood advice, try to look your child in the eye… get to know their name; that becomes important when you want something. And remember to feed them.
"That's pretty much all you need." - Will Ferrell"Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children. Now, I have six children and no theories." - John Wilmot
"Success in parenthood is feeling like a failure all day, but having the chance to try again tomorrow and hoping they turn out to be good human beings." - Justin Timberlake
"I used to not care about anyone's children, but now I brag about the same things I never cared about. It's embarrassing how much I brag about my kids." - Seth Meyers
"Being a dad isn't just about eating gummy bears while your wife gives birth. It means being comfortable with being a hero." - Ryan Reynolds
"I just sit and make up songs and sing gibberish to my son. I've gotten pretty good at gibberish now." - Elton John
"A man knows he is getting old when he starts to look like his father." - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
"I never got along with my dad. Kids used to say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd reply, 'Yeah? When?'" - Bill Hicks
"My daughter got me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. So we know she's sarcastic." - Bob Odenkirk
"The most ridiculous thing I've said is asking my child if they want their pop-pop, banky, or baba, which translates to pacifier, blanket, or bottle." - Taye Diggs
"We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, but when he had a smelly diaper, 'He wants his mother.'" - Erma Bombeck
"My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic." - Spike Milligan
"I gave my father $100 and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he bought a present for my mother." - Rita Rudner
"Even though I'm proud my dad invented the rearview mirror, we're not as close as we appear." - Stewart Francis
"When you're young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up and realize he's just a regular guy who wears a cape." - Dave Attell
"My 4-year-old son gave me a handmade card for Father's Day. Maybe for Christmas, I'll draw him a picture of some toys." - Jim Gaffigan
"Dad taught me everything I know. Unfortunately, he didn't teach me everything he knows." - Al Unser
"Four-year-old: 'Tell me a scary story!' Me: 'One time, little people popped out of your mom, and they never stopped asking questions.' Four-year-old: 'Why?'" - James Breakwell
"Me and my dad used to play tag. He'd drive." - Rodney Dangerfield
"To be a successful father, there's one absolute rule: When you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years." - Ernest Hemingway
"How come my 3-year-old son knows every species and genus of dinosaur and I can't even remember my home phone number?" - Taye Diggs
"I used to say 'I would take a bullet for you, I could never love anything as much as I love you.' I would say that to my wife, but the second I looked into that baby's eyes, I knew in that exact moment that if we were ever under attack, I would use my wife as a human shield." - Ryan Reynolds
"I want my son to wear a helmet 24 hours a day. If it was socially acceptable, I'd be the first one to have my kid in a full helmet and a cage across his face mask." - Will Arnett
"Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24 to 36 hours." - Conan O'Brien
"Missing your child's first walk proves you are a father." - Stephen Colbert
"Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that.'" - Jim Gaffigan
"My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. If they turn out good, it means I was a good daddy. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family." - Jeff Foxworthy
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, the second half by our children." - Clarence Darrow
"Father's Day is important because, besides honoring Dad, it's the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business." - Jimmy Fallon
"By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong." - Charles Wadsworth
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - Ed Asner
"I think parenthood brings out the child in all of us. It's beautiful to spend time with someone and be fascinated by things." - Chris Hemsworth
"If you're not yelling at your kids, you aren't spending enough time with them." - Mark Ruffalo
"My sisters and I can still recite Dad's grilling rules: Rule No. 1: Dad is in charge. Rule No. 2: Repeat Rule No. 1." - Connie Schultz
"The nicest Father's Day surprise for Dad would be if you handed him a box with his old undershorts that someone threw away because they were too worn out. Dad misses those undershorts." - Dave Barry
"My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give: he believed in me." - Jimmy Valvano
"My children's happiness, safety, and well-being are the most important things in my life."
“The desire to protect them is overwhelming.”
– John Krasinski
“Getting a burp out of your little one when needed is the most satisfying moment in life. It truly is one of life’s greatest pleasures.”
– Brad Pitt
“A father’s words can set the tone in the home like a thermostat.”
– Paul Lewis
“Raising teenagers should come with a warning. It takes everything you have.”
– Will Smith
“There should be a kids’ song: ‘If you’re happy and you know it, keep it quiet and let dad sleep.'”
– Jim Gaffigan
“I’ve been wrapped around my daughter’s finger since day one.”
– Ryan Reynolds
“Watching my daughter strive to fit in with others and feeling imperfect breaks my heart, but I always remind her of her perfection.”
– Idris Elba
“Being a parent is the most incredible experience… It inspires me to be better.”
– Ashton Kutcher
“I might be the least cool guy in my daughters’ eyes – I’m just Dad. Dads aren’t cool, especially when they dance!”
– Tim McGraw
“I have a bunch of kids. I say a bunch because I’ve lost count.”
– Jim Gaffigan
Short, Funny and Uplifting Father’s Day Quotes
“I hope to be half the dad he didn’t have to be.”
– Brad Paisley
“The best way to give advice to your children is to understand their desires and guide them in pursuing them.”
– Harry S. Truman
“I talk and talk, but my father taught more by example in a week than I have in 50 years.”
– Mario Cuomo
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves you vulnerable.”
– Red Buttons
“Good parenting involves investing in your child’s future, which is why I’m saving up for a hoverboard for mine.”
– Lin Manuel Miranda
“The best fathers have the softest hearts. Great dads are true marshmallows.”
– Richelle E. Goodrich
“Being a great father is like shaving – it’s a daily task.”
– Reed Markham
“Dads are ordinary men turned into heroes, adventurers, and storytellers by love.”
– Pam Brown
“My father taught me to work hard, laugh often, and keep my promises.”
– Michelle Obama
“Success and life itself would mean nothing without my children by my side. They are everything to me.”
– Jude Law
“Daddy gets overlooked – all the songs are about momma. Where’s the dad song? ‘Papa Was a Rolling Stone.'”
– Chris Rock
“I’ve never been part of anything as amazing as those three kids.”
– Al Roker
“A father’s quality is reflected in the goals and dreams he sets for himself and his family.”
– Reed Markham
“Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad.”
– Wade Boggs
“A girl’s father is her first man and most influential.”
– David Jeremiah
“He didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and I watched him.”
– Clarence B. Kelland
“A father expects his son to be the man he aspired to be.”
– Frank A. Clark
“Any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad.”
– Anne Geddes
“Life doesn’t come with a manual – that’s why we have fathers.”
– H. Jackson Browne
For more Father’s Day and summer inspiration, visit the short Happy Father’s Day quotes, the inspirational Father’s Day quotes, and the June quotes in this post. Also, check out the inspirational summer quotes and the funny summer quotes.
